Unfortunately (or maybe not?), I don’t have much to say on this particular topic. I started in the scene a few weeks after my 18th birthday which is also about when I started engaging in dating and relationships so I’ve never had to introduce D/s into a pure vanilla relationship.
My first long-term live-in relationship was kinky from the start. We met online in a BDSM chatroom before we met in person and dated. We didn’t have a lot of protocols or D/s stuff specifically but the topic wasn’t new to either of us. We actually started attending the local scene together and learned a lot of new things that way. Ultimately, the D/s didn’t work out in that relationship and it ended in time but we never had to have an “I’m kinky” coming out type situation.
Since I’m non-monogamous, I’ve been very open about my kink and Leather life with folks who are potential dating partners just so they are aware of what my life looks like. I’ve had folks say no thank you and disappear and others think it’s interesting, ask questions, but no interest in participating. I decided a long time ago that any primary partner in my life would need to be queer and into power exchange at a minimum because both of these things are important to me and I find it easier to connect.
For folks who are trying to introduce D/s into their vanilla relationship, I would advise them to go slow. Take the time to figure out what your interests really are and share those things with your partner. Don’t take it personally if they reject the notion of D/s – they may be frightened of it, have preconceived notions of what it is, or it’s simply not their taste. All of that is okay. What you have to decide, for yourself, is whether or not you can live without kink.
Don’t cheat. Don’t go behind your partner’s back to try out kinky things. Be open and honest about your desires and interests. You can explore kink without sex! If they’re open to it, go to a munch with them so they can see that kinky people are “regular people” too. And, at the same time, don’t whine or poke at the topic all the time. Respect their consent to engage or not engage.
If the D/s doesn’t work out, you have to decide what you want to do about that. Do you value your current relationship enough to give up BDSM or will you always feel unfulfilled? That’s a question only you can answer.
