Do you know what your hard limits are?
Are there a few things you’d like to try
but you’re a little nervous?
I talk about my limits in a much more abstract sense now than I used to. I get more specific when discussing possible play with a new partner but, for the most part, most kink things seem to lay more in softer limits than not. I don’t know if I’ll like a thing if I haven’t tried it yet. My Leather club has a joke that you never say never to some kind of play or the Leather Gods will make it happen anyways.
There are plenty of things I remain uninterested in so they stay on the “probably not” list although I’m open to more education about different kinks to see if maybe I would enjoy something. I had rope listed as a limit for a long time. It didn’t look interesting from a masochistic bottom point of view. I saw a lot of suspension in my community which I had mixed feelings about as a plus-sized AFAB person. The riggers I knew weren’t really people I was interested in playing with anyways. So it stayed on my “probably not” limit list until I did have the opportunity to discuss it with a rope top I admired and he was willing to play to my masochism. It was mean and difficult and not the pretty rope I’d only ever been exposed to. So my interest in rope and the limits around it shifted and I’d be more open to it now because I took the chance.
In play, most of my hard limits are the expected ones – scat play, rainbow play, most illegal activities (weed is fine in specific situations but pedophilia and bestiality aren’t even up for discussion.) I don’t list things like limb amputation or social isolation because these shouldn’t even be considered as play activities. Any person who is serious about cutting a finger or arm off isn’t someone I want to know let alone play with! Any person who wants to engage in abusive tactics purposefully isn’t someone I want to know either!
My hard limits have changed over the years too. When we started D/s, I told Daddy I did not want him to have power over my finances or my education. Alongside that, I have limits regarding how my weight and intelligence are spoken about. A few years later and I’m okay with him making decisions in some of these realms because his viewpoints align with mine and I know he would listen to me if I had concerns about a decision he has made.
I enjoy the banter of negotiating focusing on things that we’re going to do rather than everything I won’t do. There are some specific things that are always hard limits for other play partners because they’re reserved for my relationship with Daddy, that’s discussed upfront, but I prefer to seek out people whose BDSM interests align with mine rather than avoiding things I’m uninterested in. I personally find it easier to place limits for a scene rather than trying to hold in my head all of the possible limits I could have.
I won’t ever say that I don’t have limits because that’s untrue but I do try to approach kink with an interest in understanding why I would or wouldn’t want to do a thing.