The other night I confessed to Daddy that I was feeling adrift and wasn’t sure why. We had just spent half of the day trading in my car for a newer, better gas milage one, something I had been talking about doing for several years. I was tired and weepy – trading in my grandmother’s car had been a little more difficult than I expected despite no one in my family having any particular attachment to it. So lying in bed that night and trying to sort out my feelings was a little tough, to say the least.
Our life has changed rapidly in so many ways in just the last six or seven months and I am overwhelmed by it all. Every change has been good and beneficial. But I still felt a little sad and definitely overwhelmed by it all. And it feels a little #ChampagneProblems, don’t get me wrong. Who am I to complain about a new-to-me car, a house, a better job for Daddy? Privilege and generational wealth helped us immensely to get here. But the feelings still exist.
Daddy just smiled that smile of his that says he knows me better than I know myself. And slowly began to point out that while I participated in discussing the decisions of our life the last few months, I wasn’t the one to ultimately make them. He was.
Diving into the M/s doesn’t always look like I think it does.
I’ve spent years making all of the decisions because I had to. Now, someone else is. And I’ve been letting go and going along with it. It doesn’t matter that I’ve agreed with each decision along the way (well, mostly), because Daddy is the one to make the final call. Not me.
It’s been a goal of mine for a long time – to lean into the dynamic and “let” Daddy make more decisions. It’s been hard. I have a lot of anxiety around loss of control and loss of decision-making. So to realize that I’ve achieved it in several major ways is massive.
Of course I’m feeling a bit adrift, Daddy said. I’m shifting into something new. I’m making less and less decisions, holding fewer things in my brain space, and having free time to pursue my own passions and hobbies. I attended a conference on book writing this past weekend. I’ve been doing a lot of art this last winter and early spring. I’m reading again. It’s a little wild.
It’s an immense privilege to be here. To be supported so fully by my partner and not need to work outside the home. It’s a privilege to spend time on my art, to take care of the house, garden, fuck around with projects. I’m so grateful for this opportunity in my life.
I’m grateful that, in part, it’s M/s that got me here. It’s M/s that allowed me to release some of my anxieties, my need to control and to just enjoy life.
Today, I’m feeling a little less adrift, a little more grounded. I’m still a bit overwhelmed by all the change but it’s not quite so all-consuming. I’m achieving the goal of surrender that I’ve been chasing and not even realizing that I’ve slipped into it. The best thing I can do is to keep going, keep seeking opportunities to lean into the M/s and enjoy the life I’ve been given.
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