If you’re just getting into the world of BDSM, you’re probably hearing a lot of phrases and sayings. Here are 4 words and phrases to stop using in BDSM that I think you should think about.
- Real
Not a phrase but I hate the way this word gets used. It goes along with Number Four on this list since the word real often gets used to put people down and confine them to boxes. The great thing about kink is that it’s fluid and flexible. What is real is what you decide is real. You’re a real Dominant because you identify that way. You’re a real submissive because you identify that way. Don’t let people who are insecure in their own identities bully you with this word. - Topping from the Bottom
I find this phrase to be dangerous and unhelpful. At best, it implies bottoms shouldn’t be pushy with tops. At worst, it implies bottoms shouldn’t communicate anything with tops during play. Many people are trying to imply the first – they want to avoid a bottom who gives step by step instructions of how to play with them. Or they want to avoid bratting. Both of these things should be clarified in negotiations. Bottoms have the right to communciate information to tops during play and in fact should be communicating during play. A top should be observing and noting mistakes they made but feedback from bottoms is invaluable. - Submission is a gift
A controversial statement in its own right, I personally don’t like this concept. Submission is not a gift, service is not a gift. It is something I am giving in exchange for something else. I expect dominance or mastery when I submit. I expect reward and appreciation when I serve. Both of these things I can revoke at any given time – a gift you cannot. - You’re not X because Y
This phrase pops up in every community but I really hate it in kink. You’re not a submissive because you don’t like impact. You’re not a slave because you have hard limits. And on and on and on. Other people’s rules and definitions for themselves do not apply to you and they need to keep it to themself. Only you get to define what being a slave or submissive or Master or Dominant or anything else is. It can be hard, it can change, but don’t believe other people who say you’re not something because of made-up-reason.
Do you agree with these 4 words and phrases? Are there more words and phrases we should stop saying in BDSM?
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