As a Dom, you will need suits, shirts, ties, smart shoes. Or sexy clothes, whips, chains, high heels. These things aren’t cheap. Buy yourself gifts and something pretty using your sub’s resources. After all, your sub will be happy since they are the ones that made it possible. And enjoying the view is more than enough of a reward for them.NTW #50
Ah, the aesthetic of BDSM. We’ve all seen the Instagram pictures, the inspirational Pinterest posts, Kinky & Popular on FetLIfe, of beautiful people in beautiful clothes (or nothing at all). If you’ve been to an event, whether a small party or a big con, you’ve seen the outfits, the glamour, the time folks put into dressing a specific way. I took no less than a dozen outfits to a recent convention. Never mind the accessories, the makeup, the jewelry, the shoes.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the aesthetic, the need to dress like you’re going to a five star restaurant. There are times for it – fetish balls, contests, high protocol events – but, for the most part, a nice clean outfit is enough.
What shouldn’t be lost in chasing the glamour is the heart of BDSM. Are you enjoying your play time more after 3 hours of dressing and preparing? Does it really add something to your dynamic to be in constant formal wear?
Or is it detracting from what you’re doing? Are you thinking too much about whether or not your cuff is rolled right than whether or not your flogger swung correctly? Are you more worried about how people see your outfit than your how you’re engaging with your partner?
As a courtesan slave, I get absolutely get caught up in the desire to appear beautiful and stunning at BDSM events. But the M/s is always there whether I’m wearing a gown or sweats. Daddy is handsome to me in both a suit or casual clothes. He’s still my Master. The clothes shouldn’t ever detract from that.
And let’s touch on the idea that the submissive’s resources are the ones that should pay for the dominant’s wardrobe. If this is how you’ve negotiated your relationship, I’m not one to judge! But negotiated is the key word here. Taking money and other resources from your submissive should be a clearly defined expectation from both sides. If the “view is more than enough of a reward” for your submissive to fund your wardrobe, great! If not, you need to have a couple of conversations about what’s going on. And why.
I hate this idea that being a dominant means a person immediately has deep and extensive control over a submissive’s life. Trust cannot be built in a day and certainly not the kind of trust it takes to hand over finances with no expectations other than seeing your partner in beautiful clothes. I think most people’s gut instinct is “hell no”. It’s taken me years to trust Daddy with the majority of our finances and I still have moments and days where I resist!